Scroll down for the full press release from Donald Trump.
- May 1, 2007, by Donald Trump
If you're like me, you've seen my show "The Apprentice" on NBC
. After taping the show for a few seasons, one complaint I have had time and time again from my apprentices is that my asshole doesn't smell very good after I eat a big steak dinner.
Today I introduce the latest in a line of fine Trump products, "Trump Steaks
", on sale exclusively at The Sharper Image.
These steaks come from award-winning genetically engineered cows that were invented and bred by Trump Genetics, AB. Trump Genetics is headquartered on a luxurious 18 hole golf course
just outside of downtown Stockholm, and its main building is adorned with gilded cherubs holding harps. The facility is of such high quality that even the flow cytometers and PCR machines are gold plated, both inside and out. This severely impedes their operation, but their appearance is a testament to the never-ending quality for which the Trump Organization stands.
My new line of steaks is specifically formulated for the busy executive
that wants to boost organizational morale while consuming 48 ounces of beef on a daily basis.
How The Steaks Work
After the usual 24 hours of human digestion, these steaks will be reduced to the same feces that I am accustomed to finding in my gold-plated toilet
. The smell, however, will be something even finer than my hand-stitched line of quality shirts and ties. Now, when an employee inserts their nose into my finely-appointed gold-plated rectum, they will actually smell the original smell of buttery, grilled steak
. It is a feast for the nose!
Not only have these steaks helped me out while leading my fine, quality, upstanding organization, The Trump Organization
, but they have helped my home life as well.
If you're like me (which I'm sure you are if you are a busy, powerful, handsome, powerful, gilded executive), you command not only your staff to keep their noses far up your rectum, but your wife and family as well. Since I have been eating Trump Steaks on a regular basis, my wife has been no less than 50% happier
, as told to me by my staff.
Many of you know that my children, Don Jr. and Ivanka, are being groomed to work with me under the auspices of my fine, upstanding, and gilded organization, The Trump Organization
. So Trump Steaks have also helped my children to become 25% happier in their lives. This is truly an amazing product!
Let me tell you a story: When Don Jr., the love of my life, was born, I took down my pants and placed my golden anus immediately outside my wife's besilvered vagina (since she was not born a Trump, she gets the lesser of the fine and classy metals to bedeck her private area). Fortunately, Don Jr. came out headfirst
(as have all Trump males, in a fine and upstanding and classy tradition), and his nose was literally planted directly in my fancy, upstanding rectum. Of course, it has metaphorically remained there since.
But after I began eating my fine, quality, upstanding, excellent, over-the-top steaks, Don Jr. has actually asked me for permission to once again literally place his nose in my upstanding anus
. I, of course, allow this, because he is family, and I could ask no better for him. This is truly amazing!
So prepare to improve your life, and order your own case (or three) of these quality, fine, upstanding cuts of beef brought to you by the amazing, fantastic, upstanding Trump Organization!
Make every other brown-nose green with envy!