Hello again, all of you wonderful and smart and luxurious people of the Information Super Highway!
I return now after a long absence in order to bring to your attention this latest peril of web-browsing
the dastardly a href mailto jay david
It must be something about the name "David" that makes people invent elaborate lies for the purposes of tricking people in order to gain
traffic to their web-site! One of my very best friends is named David, and he does not constantly lie to people
to stoke his own ego. In fact, he is very honest (though sarcastic).
Hence my thesis is that people living in English-speaking countries aside from the US with the word "David" in their name are up to no good. This is
For you see, "jay david", or "JD's Man Stories", is from Toronto, which I have been led to believe is in Canada.
So, what has he done? He claims, in a video-of-text (which ruins the entire purpose of a web page [Update:
Solved by a transcription
]), that his girlfriend forgot that he was going to
Europe for two weeks, and so ended their relationship in the manner of a bitch. Spoiler Alert:
At the last moment before Mr. David's return, she
realized that she was in error and attempted to mend the proverbial fences that she'd had sex with in his absence.
This is a fantastic premise for a work of fiction
! However, he presents it as fact! The "video" can be watched here, and it does have a swell
While I Was Away
or 'The Europe Test', 'The Perils of Travel', or whatnot.
When you have finished watching it, you can also then see him
kiss everyone's ass that watched the video for his amusement
By now you must surely be asking yourself, "That Em is a huge bitch?", which is entirely stupid.
Firstly, any man (or man-child as he may have been two years ago) that goes to Europe for two weeks with his buddies and does not pro-actively attempt
communication with his girlfriend is looking for a dump
as solid as any taken in France after a week of cheese. No one in Europe even has a home
internet connection! Every apartment building and farmhouse has an in-built internet cafe. They also have "phone cards", with which one can call
America for only a few cents per minute.
So this man that is allegedly so poor at governing relationships should not complain to the entire internet in a video-of-text that he got dumped!
Secondly, although some women are stupid, I don't think any of them are so stupid as to not understand something like a vacation. This is what would
have actually happened:
Two months before the proposed trip.
Jay David: My beloved, I announce to you that I consider a sojourn of two weeks. In Europe!
Jay David: But not with you.
Em: Please further explain this to me.
Jay David: I will go on this journey with my best friends, whom are also raging alcoholics and womanizers. You will remain here, guarding
your virginity for my return.
Em: That is unacceptable, and I protest.
Jay David: So?
One month before the proposed trip.
Em: (Removes the phallus of Jay David from her mouth) Please don't go on this trip to Europe! It's ever so frightful over there!
Jay David: OK.
Ninety-seven seconds later.
Jay David: I've already booked passage on the Expedia.
Em: You bastard!
Jay David: What's your problem?
Em: I am on the menses!
One week before the proposed trip.
Jay David: I am terribly enthused about this trip! My friends and I will drink so much beer and then do such a good job of not calling our girlfriends that it will be awesome!
Em: Oh, please call me, or at least send me an electronic letter whilst you are there! I will be ever so forlorn, and will just die without
knowing that you are safe and not impaling the prostitutes of Amsterdam with your -ahem- stupendous (rolls eyes) penis.
Jay David: Don't worry my flower, I care for none but you (rolls eyes).
Two days before the proposed trip.
Em: I have marvelous news, Jay David! I have contacted the Expedia as well, and have booked my own seat on the whirligig, just eight rows
behind you and your drunken, misogynistic friends!
Jay David: That's a bit psycho, my dear.
Em: No, not at all! It is the surest way in which we can be together.
Jay David: I break up with you.
Jay David: Yes! Though this is terrible, because now I will not have a flimsy pretext under which to make a video-of-text for all of the internet
to see in two years.
Em: What's an internet, my dear?
Jay David: (To audience) Never date someone with the dreaded Downs Syndrome, unless you have it as well!
Finally, as an obvious expert in writing things in the guise of others for the purpose of displaying it on the internet, I declare that
all of the emails (excepting perhaps the first two or three) sent by "Em" were in fact keyboarded by the hand of this very "jay david".
My thesis goes on to suppose that this "Em" actually did forget the date on which "jay david" was leaving, and so sent him a couple of emails inviting him
to dinner and brunch (or whatever the hell the "video" said). That misunderstanding was then surely cleared up, but thus spawned the inspiration
that "jay david" sought to compose his grand ruse!
I also point out that all of the pictures shown in the video-of-text have the faces of the men pixelated. Presumably this would be to protect the identity of "jay david". You may then be surprised when I tell you that the pictures are not of Mr. David. They are scoured from Google Images!
Please, dear readers, do let me know what you think of this scoundrel!