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scottmintred.com

I Retract My Article
Friday, March 06, 2009 by scott

 
It is with dire apologies that I retract my previous article Battlestar Galactica Tongs! due to a significant error!

As I pointed out in the article, the tongs that I found looked nothing like anything from Battlestar Galactica. Observe the tongs once again so that you know what in all the powdered cramps I'm talking about:



I hadn't seen B* in a while at the time of seeing the tongs, but what I hadn't seen in even longer than that were the Star Wars movies. So it is now with great honour that I present to you the thing the tongs actually look like:


The symbol of the Alliance, which was shown
in the first Star Wars Movie (by release date):
Darth Vader's Pants Pants Revolution
.


It was on an entire Sunday night that the Mrs. and I watched the original *Wars trilogy (notice my use of the asterisk to save time in these matters), from Pants Pants to Return of the Jedi. Then I said to myself, aloud, "why not obtain the other 3 *Wars movies (I, II, and III) so as to watch them?"

I did, whereupon we watched the first one and half of the second one. I hadn't seen the first one in about 10 years (since its theatrical release), and so had forgotten about this:


The worst, most annoying character in any
movie, ever. And I have seen Jurassic Park I, II and III.


I know that much has been made over the years of this floppy-eared asshat, so I won't rant on about it. But between the mucus-spewing bejoweled king and the retarded blue balls of fury that it accidentally kills robots with, this is the dumbest fucking piece of shit possible.

Here is my assumption of how they came to put the character Jar Jar Binks in a movie:


George Lucas: I am on heroin and wish to fuck up my most famous franchise that made me rich to begin with.

Assistant: That seems like a poor idea. Perhaps you should wait until you are sober.

George Lucas: You have been my Assistant for nearly nine years. Have you ever seen me sober?

Assistant: No. ::sighs:: Alright, how exactly do you plan on fucking everything up?

George Lucas: Have you ever seen Family Matters?

Assistant: Yes.

George Lucas: You know Urkle?

Assistant: Yes.

George Lucas: I'm going to put Urkle in the next three Star Wars movies. I am also going to put annoying children in most of the scenes. Urkle will have a starring role, and will in fact save the entire galaxy by spazzing out at an intensity beyond that of a child with both attention deficit disorder and autism.

Assistant: I see. That will indeed make you look like an ass and ruin all that you have worked for.

George Lucas: I didn't mention that Urkle will also be a Rastafarian alien that lives underwater but breathes air.

Assistant: Oh. That makes it worse.

George Lucas: Precisely.


And so now, dear readers, you have read my fan fiction, and I bid you to fuck off.

(And Luke was a gay-ass sissy throughout the entire first 3 movies, even when he was trying to act tough. Also, Leia can't act and C3PO is only slightly less faggy than Luke himself. I can't believe Darth Vader built such a faggy android. The Borg are so much cooler an enemy than storm troopers, Data is only occasionally faggy but oft kicks ass, and Picard wouldn't fag around about his feelings on every subject like Luke, Leia, and the fucking Ewoks).
     
Rating
-266
(58 to 324)
  Hmm...
  I think you are trying to hard with this peace. I had to give you a negative score. All silly and no wit. Not a good recipe for humor i am afraid. Once again, not up to the standards of some of your funnier drivel.
  Friday, March 06, 2009 by Doo Doo Magoo (skela)
  Doo Doo Kapoo
  @Doo Doo: I've been considering a redesign of my site. I really like the site of a company called "EJE Retail". Can you recommend anyone to help me? I pay in pine nuts and okra.
  Friday, March 06, 2009 by scott
  Provide a link
  I also spelled piece wrong. Wow. No more meth and hookers in my car during lunch.

Also your email link, make it clickable. That is just inexcusable and lazy web design.

Lastly, " http://www.mintred.com/article/119/trump_steaks_are_here/ "

Please get rid of that fucking stray "d". Its driving me absolutely insan(er).

Thanks
  Friday, March 06, 2009 by Doo Doo Magoo (skela)
  Doo Doo that could stuff even the hardiest toilet
  You've also spelled "too" wrong, but we all make mistakes.

Bringing me to the rouge "d". I'm not blind; I did in fact see it many times. However, I have the vague recollection of a man half-drunk that I'd put that "d" there for a particular reason many years ago. And so it will stay, now with the specific reason to irk you!

My email link, eh? What would you suggest? A nice little mailto:, or some sort of web-form?

I have done neither because the web-form is redundant to the comments section, and the mailto: is a waste and a proponent of spam. You see, most casual internet users of today utilize web mail, and so a mailto: is simply a nuisance as it will invoke an unwanted instance of Outlook or Outlook Express (I don't know what you Mac users experience). Spammers also troll web pages looking for mailto:s and plain-text email addresses for which to add to their database. That also explains why the "@" is in fact a graphic and not text.

Fiiinnnnalllly: If you are too lazy to type my email address into your To: field, then I can only presume that you are also too lazy to compose a subject and a body, so I do not want your blank email anyhow.

So you can see that it is not poor web design, but rather a fruitful choice of mine.
  Friday, March 06, 2009 by scott
  Oh woe to the sloth...
  In regards to your email. The @ symbol is a fricking image file. I cant even copy and paste. I was ready to prove how poor your powers of deduction are but was rudely disappointed when i realized that pasting an image file into the recipient field along with the text did not constitute a valid email so i gave up.
  Friday, March 06, 2009 by Doo Doo Magoo (skela)
  "@ symbol" is repetitively redundant...
  ...as would be my comment now. So you can just re-read my lengthy and polite explanation.
  Friday, March 06, 2009 by scott
  Golden throne
  So Japanese toilets are the coolest thing ever, and everything you've ever heard of these mythical and fantastical machines pale in comparison to the reality. The toilet seat hugs and conforms your asscheeks - already preparing your bottom region for a wonderful disposal (picture the wonderbra - "lifts and seperates"). Once your deposit is made, a soothing female Japanese woman says "Arigato!", "Thank you!" Thank you! Thank you, good sir for your deposit! Thank you for everything you've given me!
Then a wonderful flat panel display opens up next to you with a potpouri of options: bum-washer, ball-washer, vagina-washer (and yes, all have little cartoon pictures to easily identify the options), scented powders, scented perfumes, something that tickled my balls with a small phalic-looking device which I'm assuming is for those nymphomaniac Japanese women that all the Anime tells me about. In short, Golden throne.
Oh yeah, I like the tongs. And for all you torndick fags:
z0mg!! 1 l0v3 j@p@n!! @n1m3 pr0n 1s th3 b3@st!!
  Friday, March 06, 2009 by mrm0nk3y
  Thank goodness!
  I was concerned for a second, because I thought you were going to hail this Japanese toilet with accolades:



Of course I'd heard the stories (as most gaijin have), but I was unaware that you could have your balls washed, tickled, and perfumed all in the same sitting! I just took a crap in my wicked American toilet, and all I got was a little splash back from a small plopper. I could've used a ball-wash, rather than just letting my underwear deal with it. (True story).

I trust you used the vagina-washer as well?

OK, so that's fucking cool, but I think the "arigato" pretty much borders on sarcasm. Or is that just the American Devil in me?

Oh, and my toilet does not lift and separate. I must do that part manually, and my seat wobbles side-to-side a little, so you can only imagine the comic aspect to my machinations in preparing to shit.

1 @/\/\ $0 ,_|?@|0U$
  Friday, March 06, 2009 by scott
  Just go away
  I didnt realise the page I was going to. But can you please just die. Stop writing rubbish like this. Just put your computer away, and never touch it again. Die actually, lets make it that simple.
By the way, David Froud is awesome.
  Sunday, March 08, 2009 by Mintred Wannabe
  Why change my name
  Your such a fucking dick head. Keep looking at that fatty porn you sick fuck.
Why did you change my name? You fucking cock smoking piece of shit. Everyone on the internet wants you to die you fuck stain.
  Wednesday, March 11, 2009 by Well I did call myself Mintred
  Fake Mintreds
  @Prior-two-comments guy: I changed your name from "Mintred" to "Mintred Wannabe" so that other readers of this site will not mistake your comment as my own. I wouldn't want them to believe that I was capable of writing like a child with a low I.Q. or perhaps even the dreaded Downs Syndrome.
  Thursday, March 12, 2009 by scott
  Downs Syndrome
  Understandable that you look up to people with Downs Syndrome and an IQ of 10. We can all see that you are well below those levels...

How is the suicide plan coming along. See any good buildings to jump off? Ohhh how about running in front of a train, bus or lying down in front of a ride on lawn mower? That would be awesome. You fucking dick face.
  Sunday, March 15, 2009 by Fake Mintred whom Shit his Pants
  Is this some kind of paradox?
  It's amazing! It's astounding! Are we witnessing some kind of paradox?

The unfunniest man the world has ever known actually runs HIS OWN HATE SITE. So hated is this man, he can't find anyone else to run one for him.

So, squeezed into his busy schedule of power house journalism and masturbating to his own crap cartoons, Scott manages to find the time to run his own hate site. Why does he do it? Knowone really knows why? Maybe he's a masochistic masturbator.

Scott perhaps you should rename your site. Maybe take a bit from your name, say , tred and a bit from hate and called the site HATRED.

Or maybe just go for the plain and simple howishotmyselfinthefoot.com
  Monday, March 16, 2009 by T Shirt Matt
  This is really really nice
  I was looking for a new mouse knuckle recipe, (I really love the texture of moose knuckle), and I remembered the last time I ate moose knuckle it was so hard to handle and I thought to myself, "Martha, what you really need is a pair of spiffy tongs to firmly grasp some moose knuckle." And lo and behold, I stumbled upon this site.

Scott, could you please let me know how much those wonderful tongs are worth? My bank account is a little low after that stay in prison, but I think I can spare some expense for a good moose knuckle tong.

(South Korea - picture Flushing or Queens in New York and that is South Korea. I feel somewhat sympathetic towards the Asian tourists who come to America and every sign is in a language they cant read. It's mildly disconcerting that you can wind up in a place where noone understands you and hand gestures are the only method of communication. Food has a clean, bold spice to it. Yes, I am talking about the cock sauce. People are nice to americans, and the women are very, very cute.)
  Sunday, April 05, 2009 by Martha Stewart
  Please
  Please for the love of god, just die. You are an annoying fucktard.
  Tuesday, April 21, 2009 by Dicklock
  anakin was a sissy
  My god he was a whining little bitch!
And with a nickname like Ani - no wonder he went fucking apeshit
  Wednesday, April 22, 2009 by The Number 42
 
  Scott, you better keep buying porn with your wifes credit card instead of wasting your own time on writing this kind of senseless things. Why don't you go and ask your wife to get a fourth job? Wouldn't it be nice if she could pay even for more porn than she is right now?
  Thursday, June 04, 2009 by Kirdyk
  oh dear
  i dont think much else can be said
i pity you mate
  Friday, June 05, 2009 by charlie
  Leaving a comment
  You're pretty conceited, with the sort of hubris that is usually mocked by people slightly funnier than either of us.
  Wednesday, July 15, 2009 by Joe
  You did it this time.
  Of course, I came here by way of Davids' site. I agree with most of the people here that you are an awful comedic blogger, an awful waste of time, and, well, an awful person overall. However, I have declined commenting on your crap site because I feel you get enough negativity in your life, especially with the impending divorce, and all. Not until now, at least, you star trek flamingfruityfairyfaggot fucker. The borg are a gay enemy, because they ripped off Star Wars. "Hey, guys, Star Wars had that super sweet Death Star, maybe we should be like, you know, dicks and all, and make an enemy with a super big triangle or something." "No, no, the Star Destroyers kinda look like triangles. What about a square, or cube, or something?" "Awesome, let's have sex. But put on that delicious klingon costume."

It was the Ewoks, Scott. Don't hate on the Ewoks.

Hope your wife leaves you,
Ronnie.

P.S. You suck, but star trek has been sucking longer and harder than you, like an old prostitute.
  Tuesday, August 18, 2009 by Ronnie, From America.
  I did do it this time, and every time.
  @Ronnie: Sorry that I so offended your pro-Star Wars sensibilities. As you are American, you are familiar with our deep sense of political correctness and need to please all groups whilst simultaneously doing nothing for them.

In that spirit, I deeply apologize for my anti-Star Wars/pro-Star Trek comments and offer you absolutely nothing of substance.

You will also be pleased to know that my marriage is going along swimmingly! When you are able to wrangle yourself an incompetent, belligerent, and stupid wife fitting of yourself then I wish you best of luck with it, and I hope that she cheats on you with a pleasant-looking and somewhat-smart post man such that your children at least have a shot in life.

(I assume here that you are a man. "Ronnie" is a very androgynous name, and so you may very well be a lesbian for all I know).
  Tuesday, August 18, 2009 by scott
  Mintred Wannabe...
  He has a point...you kind of are really lame.

And a bit of a fuckchop.

I don't think you should die, as I would never wish that on anyone...but if you stopped writing for good I'm sure the internet would collectively breathe a sigh of relief.
  Thursday, September 03, 2009 by Kaitlin
  Star Wars
  I disagree you bashing the masterpiece Star Wars movies. Though I may agree with you if you said Anakin in the episodes II and III is annoying, the first movie was fine with the episodes IV, V and VI. Jar Jar Binks is an attaching creature. Gungans are the Star Wars' ep. I's Ewoks, though they can talk Basic. So I don't get why people would hate gungans, they had a huge and amazing battle, just like Ewoks' battle of Endor. Yes, I'm a Star Wars fan like many others and I would like also say that I'm also a Star Trek fan but I can't because I find Star Trek boring. Luke is played by Mark Hamill : I just have nothing else to add here.
Princess Leia is a very interesting character (and sexy in her slave outfit) and no actress could have done a better job. Maybe her voice is annoying in English? I dunno, I don't really remember her voice in English since I usually watch them in French. She might be also brave but Padmé really sucks compared to her. Padmé and Anakin's love is just BORING, but Han and Leia just hate each others until they fall in love. This is way more interesting and funny.
And no other character is more fun to kill than Stormtroopers. The only time I had so much fun killing pawns excepting Stormtroopers in games was in Conker Bad Fur Day 64 and the prisoners in Batman Arkham Asylum for PC.

May the Force be with you,
VHS
Québec, Canada
  Friday, November 27, 2009 by VHS
  Not even DVD?
  @VHS: The Ewoks were just as ridiculous an idea as the Gungans. They were thrown into the movie for their "cuteness" factor. They were FAR less annoying than the Gungans, however, and so did not completely ruin that movie.

Why any character based upon a high Rastafarian (is that redundant) with a mild case of Downs Syndrome would be placed in a movie is still beyond me.
  Monday, December 21, 2009 by Scott
  VHS are my initials
  A Rastafarian with Downs Syndrome? Comon, they're aliens not quite used to speak Basic. And Binks was the only goofy gungan of all (they even specify it by banning him from Otoh Gunga city because he was breaking everything).
  Friday, March 19, 2010 by VHS
 
  This is pretty terrible. Not in a "you're going to have cult-status one day" terrible, but just "don't quit your job to write" terrible. Using the term "gay-ass sissy" is far too colloquial for a man of self-described "superior intellect." You never managed to grab your reader... despite trying to disguise this drivel as a tangent from a pair of tongs. Plus, your dialog sucks. The conversation between George Lucas and Assistant was lacking in virve, credibility, and believability. Frankly, 7th grade student write better than you do. Maybe you should shrink back into your cardboard castle in the garage, play World of Warcraft, and cry quietly to yourself. Because writing is certainly not your calling.
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by Grady RIchards
  Fuitful Choice
  ... sounds like some kind of high-fiber breakfast cereal.

So let me see if I've got this right. Instead of putting scott@mintred.com in your site as a mailto link (which would contain an href of mailto:scott@mintred.com), you've opted to leave it as plain text that reads scott@mintred.com with a graphic for the "@" so that spam harvesters won't pick up your e-mail address (scott@mintred.com) when they scan your site. Correct so far?

I thought so.

You also state that you don't have a Web form that would send e-mail to scott@mintred.com because that would be "redundant to the comments section". If that's the case, then why bother to list your e-mail address (scott@mintred.com) on the site at all?

Hmmm...

I do understand the logic behind the use of a graphic to represent the "@" in scott@mintred.com, and your reasons for not using a mailto:scott@mintred.com link. Being a seasoned Web designer/developer myself the technical reasoning you state is very sound and correct.

However, that still doesn't explain the rest of your poor Web design skills (see my other comments regarding your design, content, and choice in HTML techniques).

I would send an e-mail to you at scott@mintred.com regarding all of this and more, but since I've just posted this comment... well, that would be redundant, wouldn't it.

Do you get much e-mail at scott@mintred.com?
  Wednesday, September 29, 2010 by Unimpressed
  Forever missing Scott
  Just wanted to say we all liked you Scott alot more at high school when we could 'censor' your mind-fuck ,annoying dribble by making you wear your 'Atomic wedgie' daily, rendering your flailing arms useless and unable to access a keyboard.
You've had quite a few 'new ones' torn, which I'm sure your multiple boyfriends appreciate...
Ah, miss u Scott, good times.....

And by the way-
This site best when viewed on a screen using 'anyone elses' eyes ,just not your own.
  Wednesday, September 29, 2010 by Bike Mike
 
  Here's the thing. If you tell somebody you want them to die, or that they should kill themselves over something as trivial as a blog post you find unfunny, you don't deserve to live.

You think it's cool or funny to act that way?
  Wednesday, May 18, 2011 by Whiteknight



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