It is with dire apologies that I retract my previous article Battlestar Galactica Tongs!
due to a significant error!
As I pointed out in the article, the tongs that I found looked nothing like anything from Battlestar Galactica. Observe
the tongs once again so that you know what in all the powdered cramps I'm talking about:
I hadn't seen B* in a while at the time of seeing the tongs, but what I hadn't seen in even longer than that were the
movies. So it is now with great honour that I present to you the thing the tongs actually look like:
The symbol of the Alliance, which was shown
in the first Star Wars Movie (by release date):
Darth Vader's Pants Pants Revolution.
It was on an entire Sunday night that the Mrs. and I watched the original *Wars trilogy (notice my use of the asterisk to
save time in these matters), from Pants Pants
to Return of the Jedi
. Then I said to myself, aloud, "why not
obtain the other 3 *Wars movies (I, II, and III) so as to watch them?"
I did, whereupon we watched the first one and half of the second one. I hadn't seen the first one in about 10 years (since
its theatrical release), and so had forgotten about this:
The worst, most annoying character in any
movie, ever. And I have seen Jurassic Park I, II and III.
I know that much has been made over the years of this floppy-eared asshat, so I won't rant on about it. But between the
mucus-spewing bejoweled king and the retarded blue balls of fury that it accidentally kills robots with, this is the dumbest fucking piece of shit possible.
Here is my assumption of how they came to put the character Jar Jar Binks in a movie:
I am on heroin and wish to fuck up my most famous franchise that made me rich to begin with.
That seems like a poor idea. Perhaps you should wait until you are sober.
You have been my Assistant for nearly nine years. Have you ever seen me sober?
No. ::sighs:: Alright, how exactly do you plan on fucking everything up?
Have you ever seen Family Matters?
You know Urkle?
I'm going to put Urkle in the next three Star Wars movies. I am also going to put annoying children in most of the scenes. Urkle will have a starring role, and will in fact save the entire galaxy by spazzing out at an intensity beyond that of a child with both attention deficit disorder and autism.
I see. That will indeed make you look like an ass and ruin all that you have worked for.
I didn't mention that Urkle will also be a Rastafarian alien that lives underwater but breathes air.
Oh. That makes it worse.
And so now, dear readers, you have read my fan fiction, and I bid you to fuck off.
(And Luke was a gay-ass sissy throughout the entire first 3 movies, even when he was trying to act tough. Also, Leia can't act and C3PO is only slightly less faggy than Luke himself. I can't believe Darth Vader built such a faggy android. The Borg are so much cooler an enemy than storm troopers, Data is only occasionally faggy but oft kicks ass, and Picard wouldn't fag around about his feelings on every subject like Luke, Leia, and the fucking Ewoks).