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Trump Steaks are Here!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007 by scott

Scroll down for the full press release from Donald Trump.

Trump Headquarters - May 1, 2007, by Donald Trump

If you're like me, you've seen my show "The Apprentice" on NBC. After taping the show for a few seasons, one complaint I have had time and time again from my apprentices is that my asshole doesn't smell very good after I eat a big steak dinner.

Today I introduce the latest in a line of fine Trump products, "Trump Steaks", on sale exclusively at The Sharper Image.

These steaks come from award-winning genetically engineered cows that were invented and bred by Trump Genetics, AB. Trump Genetics is headquartered on a luxurious 18 hole golf course just outside of downtown Stockholm, and its main building is adorned with gilded cherubs holding harps. The facility is of such high quality that even the flow cytometers and PCR machines are gold plated, both inside and out. This severely impedes their operation, but their appearance is a testament to the never-ending quality for which the Trump Organization stands.

My new line of steaks is specifically formulated for the busy executive that wants to boost organizational morale while consuming 48 ounces of beef on a daily basis.

How The Steaks Work

After the usual 24 hours of human digestion, these steaks will be reduced to the same feces that I am accustomed to finding in my gold-plated toilet. The smell, however, will be something even finer than my hand-stitched line of quality shirts and ties. Now, when an employee inserts their nose into my finely-appointed gold-plated rectum, they will actually smell the original smell of buttery, grilled steak. It is a feast for the nose!

Not only have these steaks helped me out while leading my fine, quality, upstanding organization, The Trump Organization, but they have helped my home life as well.

If you're like me (which I'm sure you are if you are a busy, powerful, handsome, powerful, gilded executive), you command not only your staff to keep their noses far up your rectum, but your wife and family as well. Since I have been eating Trump Steaks on a regular basis, my wife has been no less than 50% happier, as told to me by my staff.

Many of you know that my children, Don Jr. and Ivanka, are being groomed to work with me under the auspices of my fine, upstanding, and gilded organization, The Trump Organization. So Trump Steaks have also helped my children to become 25% happier in their lives. This is truly an amazing product!

Let me tell you a story: When Don Jr., the love of my life, was born, I took down my pants and placed my golden anus immediately outside my wife's besilvered vagina (since she was not born a Trump, she gets the lesser of the fine and classy metals to bedeck her private area). Fortunately, Don Jr. came out headfirst (as have all Trump males, in a fine and upstanding and classy tradition), and his nose was literally planted directly in my fancy, upstanding rectum. Of course, it has metaphorically remained there since.

But after I began eating my fine, quality, upstanding, excellent, over-the-top steaks, Don Jr. has actually asked me for permission to once again literally place his nose in my upstanding anus. I, of course, allow this, because he is family, and I could ask no better for him. This is truly amazing!

So prepare to improve your life, and order your own case (or three) of these quality, fine, upstanding cuts of beef brought to you by the amazing, fantastic, upstanding Trump Organization!

Make every other brown-nose green with envy!

(51 to 73)
  donald trump is an overly decorated nonsatisfying dildo. his endorsements, while baffling and gold-plated, are fine but his advertisement campaign is like a rubick's sphere. it is fundamentally impossible and begs the question, what?
  Friday, May 04, 2007 by strategic nucleus party
  I used to think Trump lacked any sense of humour.However, after seeing this I realise I have significantly underestimated him. Thanks for the perspective.Why do you write this crap?
  Tuesday, February 03, 2009 by Anon
  Did you write that? it was actually really good. Surprising actuallly. Clever, funny and well written. If you did write it, well done. Start to write more like that. But really, who did write it?
  Wednesday, February 04, 2009 by Ash via Australia
  *rubs eyes* Hey, that WAS funny.
  Scott, if you wrote this I'm impressed. This actually made me laugh out loud. You should seriously stick to this kind of stuff.

P.S. I know I said a few posts ago (which is actually a few posts from now since I'm going backwards) that I'm giving up but I kept going. And you are proving my point. As time goes on you are getting less funny.

I honestly envision me shitting my pants from laughter if I read back to posts from 2003.
  Monday, February 09, 2009 by Mike the Timewaster
  Garfunkle Your Uncle
  Dear Mr. The Timewaster,

I have followed your path back in time, and I concede that you have a point. And also that you have missed the point (albeit understandably in some cases).

For you see, most of those postings fall into one of these categories, which I shall now enumerate for educational purposes:

1) Stories about things that happened to me. Not necessarily meant to be funny to you, a random person. Or in some cases, only little bits were meant to be humourous to begin with.

2) Cartoons penned by others, most of which were inside jokes from my office. Again, not really meant to be funny to you. I find them hilarious, or did at the time.

2a) Cartoons penned by myself that are also inside jokes (as above).

3) Facts about computers and people that have wronged me in some way. The former is quite obviously not meant to be funny. The latter I think are quite humourous.

4) Cartoons, rants, etc. which were meant to be funny (ooo, like this one!)

So all the while that you've gone off on your efforts to "judge my work" or whatever you're rambling on about, you've been missing the point. If you like it, good! If you hate it, even better!
  Tuesday, February 10, 2009 by scott
  but you said it...
  I only assume this stuff is meant to be funny because you yourself stated it. That your site is much funnier with "true" comedy than David's "fake" comedy.

I was simply making an observation that you've become less funny as time goes on. Perhaps the strain of the work-a-day world has slowly eroded your sense of humour? I know it has mine.

Good luck with WoW.
  Tuesday, February 10, 2009 by Mike the Timewaster
  Organizational skills, and humor.
  You should use your numbered category list to organize your site. This way you can avoid this sort of confusion in the future.

You might also want to run a "find and replace" for the following.

1.) A closing script tag.

2.) The letter d that follows after it.

3.) The first table tag after the afore-mentioned rogue letter "d".

Once you have done so, please delete the superfluous "d" so that i do not have to look at it every time i read or make a comment.

I would have pasted the stray code in this reply field but it seems that you have html active so you would have only seen the rogue "d" Also running a find and replace for the letter "d" would have seemed silly no?

I think as a programmer you are more then qualified to rectify this minor oversight of yours.

Lastly, your article was humorous, witty, and creative. It also tasted tart on my tongue.
  Wednesday, March 04, 2009 by Doo Doo Magoo (skela)
  Doo Doo McNoseyNose
  @Doo Doo: I like the rogue "d".
  Thursday, March 05, 2009 by scott
  You said to Mike the Timewaster, "If you like it, good, if you hate it, even better." You're full of shit. Otherwise you wouldn't waste your time replying to every comment to further explain or justify things. It obviously matters a great deal to you that we enjoy your "work" and, as of yet, no one has enjoyed it. Face up to the fact that you suck at writing, especially writing humor. Furthermore, I don't think you wrote this at all, because it doesn't have your trademark error of using "whom" when you should be using "who." As a matter of fact, it doesn't sound pompous and falsely bombastic, the way you normally do.

I really despise you and hate the fact that there may be one or two more people extant that are as ridiculous and disreputable as you are.
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by Grady Richards
  if this is the top article on your site, i'm going back to 27bslash6...
  Seriously, where do you come up with this drool? if you typed slower, you might be able to think about what you are doing and possibly come up with something funny instead of this kind of bullshit. i'm not coming back here again, so have fun writing a scathing reply, which i expect will be hileriously pathetic.
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by Dicklock Jnr
  Dicks are tasty.
I should know, I'm sucking one right now.
Love, Scott.
  Tuesday, September 28, 2010 by Fake Scott Mintred #449
  Leave leaves
  @Grady Richards: You have commented on my site 14 times. More than anyone else, except a couple of spammers. If you get the site so much, why keep examining it?

You poor, poor man. You must have the obsessive compulsive disorder! I am so sorry. Please seek some treatment from a reputable psychiatrist so that you can GTFO my site.
  Wednesday, September 29, 2010 by scott
  Poor lame attempts at humour
  Serioulsy why do you bother?
  Thursday, September 30, 2010 by Jesus

My True Story (45)
Public Service Announcements on.. (-11)
How President Bush Works (-16)
People's View on Humor (-19)
The Titty Mongrel (-19)
"All in a Day's Rebuttal" (-21)
Inappropriate Cartoons (-21)
Tap Dancing (-21)
Naming Glasscock Road (-22)
Trump Steaks are Here! (-22)

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