I am not a fan of dogs. Those fiesty felines do nothing but make a mess and crap everywhere.

Sure, you can train a dog to crap in your backyard or on the street, but that is hardly the optimum solution. You have sacrificed your life to the cause of picking up poop!

A dog is a feces machine. You must pay for the food. Your money goes into the dog's mouth. Poop comes out. It is a simple equation.

If you do not believe me, observe my analysis on the subject of dog ownership. If I want a constant companion, I will get married and also make human friends. My fiancee is fairly adept as using a toilet, as are my friends. Also, I do not always have to pay to feed them.

So, you can imagine my distress when I found that there may be a dog named Mintred. Of course, it may not be named that, but this picture leaves an ambiguous impression at best:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonbarnett/287307707/

I attempted to email the picture's owner, but he did not respond in the roughly 18 hours that have elapsed since. Maybe we will never hear his side of the story. I grant him a proper audience, however, should he respond in the future.

I have nothing against this man owning a dog, mind you! I back his freedom to own a dog like I back my car out of a parking spot. Very speedily and without looking.

If this man wishes to pay good money for feces, who am I to stop him? He may appear foolish in my eyes, sure, but to other dog-owners he looks wise. It is the mystery of perception.

If his dog is younger than 8 years old (the time since I have been using "MintRed") I will ask him to kindly alter his dog's name. It is not such that he must choose an ugly name to replace it (e.g. "Archibalt Rumphetter XIV"), but nothing too similar to MintRed either. "Redmint", "Mintmaroon", or "Mintyjones" would all be unacceptable.

I await his response...

Update, same day

The man has responded. He seems to indicate that his dog is not, in fact, named Mintred. See my email and his his explanation:

From: Scorpion Mint Red
To: XXXXX@yahoo.com
Subject: Is your dog named Mintred?

I observe from your photo, located thusly, that your dog may be named Mintred:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonbarnett/287307707/

I hope that is not the case! For you see, it would be offensive to me as I am not a dog.

Perhaps I should view it as an honoriffic, but I am not so inclined.

Now you may observe the tormenting criticisms that were heaped upon the last person to tangle with the Mintred name:

http://www.mintred.com/article/103/these_foul_theives/

And so it goes..

Awaiting Your Elaborate Reply,

Scott

From: XXXXX@yahoo.com
To: Scorpion Mint Red
Subject: Re:Is your dog named Mintred?

my dogs name is Miss Mint which is short for Peppermint. The photo is red . mintred.

Not exactly the elaborate reply I was waiting for, but there you have it. A seemingly rational explanation for the usage of Mintred. And a seemingly embarassing name for a dog. I hope his wife or kids made it up, as it is unfit for a man to call.